Milestones (Part One)

I'm one of those people who can remember dates easily, especially when that date is associated with a big event from my own life.  That means I can't forget my wedding anniversary, or my kids' birthdays...or most of the things that happen in my pregnancies.  I am presently pregnant for the eleventh time.  That's right!  It's a lot to keep up with in this mom brain of mine.  

You know, brains are funny things.  They run our bodies, telling us when to blink and breathe, without us having to even think about it.  They also store memories.  All sorts of memories.  Sometimes my stinker of a brain likes to mess with me and my precious memories.  

For example, as I progress through this pregnancy, each week can trigger a memory.  Good or bad.  So back at the beginning of March, as I approached the 20 week mark, I started to have a bit of anxiety.  I had just started (FINALLY) feeling my baby move, and I was ready to get past 20.  Not because I wanted to be halfway there or anything.  It was almost ten years ago (July 31st of 2007 to be exact) that my water broke.  No big deal, right?  Well, it is if you are only 20 weeks pregnant.  And in the past three years, you have had four early miscarriages.  And a surgery on your ovary.  And your very first newborn died without warning.  

So.  Premature Rupture of Membranes.  It's not a good memory, to say the least.  It's one of the scariest times of my life.  I've spent years (almost ten) not really thinking about it.  It wasn't until last month that I really started to reflect on it.  As I approached March 11th, the day I would turn 20 weeks,  those demons started to pick at me...  What if it happens again?  Who can I call to watch the little girls while I'm being admitted to the hospital?  Who can pick up the kids from school?  Should I keep a towel in the van, just in case it happens while I'm out?  How will we pay for the funeral of another little baby?  My mind escalates rather quickly.  But reflecting on this tells me three things:  #1 I'm still very traumatized.  #2  I have almost no control over my irrational thoughts in a state of anxiety.  And #3  How easily I am fooled by the demons that want me far far away from my Lord.

So what can I do to fix this?  I do not claim to have all the answers.  I am finding that for me, at least, the first step has been happening over the last year.  For me, that first step is getting right with God.  Almost a year ago (May 4th 2016), I went to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  It had been a very long time since visiting that confessional.  I poured out my heart, let go of my shame, and was sincerely sorry for the years of sins I had committed.  Can I just tell you that I immediately felt a closeness to God that I hadn't felt for years?  I felt clean again.  Let me paint a picture for you...

Ever since our little Michael died, I feel like I have been seeing the world through a windshield.  

My windshield makes it hard to see what's really there.  Sometimes there are dead bugs on this windshield.  They are really distracting.  I try to get them off with the cleaner and wipers, but when I do that, I get distracted and miss my turn.   

Sometimes it is wet with rain streaks and big droplets.  I try to use the wipers to wipe it all away, but then things get distorted.  I miss my turn or miss the STOP signs.   

Sometimes it is super foggy outside.  Then I can't see a thing.  The right thing to do is to pull over, but I stubbornly keep going.   

But sometimes the sun is shining bright.  So so bright, like it's trying to get my attention.  I don't notice.  Instead, I get annoyed and frustrated.  I feel around for my sunglasses to dim the light.  I should slow down, pull over, and enjoy the view that is being illuminated for me, but I don't.  I can't see anything beautiful here.  Only ugliness.

So by confessing my sins and reconciling with Jesus, I essentially cleansed my windshield.  Now I can see.  I now have the ability to reflect on memories that are scary to look at.  Now healing can happen.