Feel the Love
I have attended many funerals, but there are only two that I can recall vividly. The first is the funeral mass of my Grandma Helen. She was the first of my close circle of family, friends, and coworkers to pass away. It was on the day I turned nineteen years old. I will never forget the pain I saw in the eyes of my aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, and other people in our community. It was a shock to us that she died. We couldn't prepare for it. I felt bad because I had been sort of away at college and hadn't been to visit with her in awhile. I had wonderful memories of my grandma, though, and hopefully I always will.
The other is the funeral mass of my firstborn son. This death was also unexpected. He was a healthy newborn. I had a healthy pregnancy and delivery. The memories I have of him are mostly from when I couldn't even see him, only feel him move from the inside of my belly. The memories were few, but hopefully I will always have those as well. Although I still felt as though I was in a dreamland - that none of this was real - I can remember bits and pieces like they happened yesterday. I remember that it was the tiniest casket I had ever seen. I remember people looking at me - really looking at me - and I looked back just to see the same pain in their eyes that I saw from those mourning my grandma. I can still hear the cantor singing, "May the angels lead you into paradise..." I wasn't in control of my body that day. I felt like a puppet. But my eyes took in visions of people. People who loved me. People who were saddened by what happened. People who cared. People who I had known my whole life, like my family and best friends. People who I had only met a week prior to this funeral, like my labor and delivery nurse. All these people coming together, to mourn, to celebrate, ultimately to love. When I think back on that time, that is what the underlying feeling is. Love. Sure, it's sad what happened, but when you look deeper into it, there is love. Friends traveling from out of state to support you. My grandpa and step-grandma paying for the entire thing. A policeman praying with you on the way to the emergency room. Friends of the family moving the entire contents of your apartment to a new one so that you don't have to ever step foot into the place where your baby died. There was always a shoulder to cry on. There wasn't much talking, but that's because there was loving. I have never felt the love of Jesus so strong as I did then. I will not get an answer as to why this happened to us, but I accept that it happened, and I am happy that it happened to me.
I want to share two songs with you from that week of Michael's birth and death. The first is "Homesick" by MercyMe. My favorite lyrics say:
The Gospel reading from Sunday was from Luke Ch. 23. Jesus is hanging on the cross. One criminal is doubting him, and the other says, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." And Jesus says to him, "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." I sat there in the pew thinking about how I was going to handle the week ahead: Tuesday my Michael would have turned twelve years old. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday is the twelfth anniversary of his death. God was basically telling me, "Don't worry. There is a chance to see Michael again. He waits for you in Paradise."
I will leave you with four more thoughts.
#1 There are people hurting everywhere you go. Love them. Love is strong.
#2 Pray. When someone pops into my head out of nowhere, that is my cue to pray for whatever they are needing at that moment. Prayer is powerful. At the low points in my life, I have made it through unharmed and strengthened because of the love of those who care, the love of God, and because of the prayers of others.
#3 Hope. At my low points, I can always find or I am led to even the smallest sliver of hope.
#4 Have faith. We are all faced with mountains to climb, and presented with the lowest, darkest valleys to trudge through. I know God carried me through what I could barely handle. I put my full faith and trust in Jesus, and He has led me through some scary things.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing my story! I pray that God uses me to help others feel His love. May God bless you and yours!
The other is the funeral mass of my firstborn son. This death was also unexpected. He was a healthy newborn. I had a healthy pregnancy and delivery. The memories I have of him are mostly from when I couldn't even see him, only feel him move from the inside of my belly. The memories were few, but hopefully I will always have those as well. Although I still felt as though I was in a dreamland - that none of this was real - I can remember bits and pieces like they happened yesterday. I remember that it was the tiniest casket I had ever seen. I remember people looking at me - really looking at me - and I looked back just to see the same pain in their eyes that I saw from those mourning my grandma. I can still hear the cantor singing, "May the angels lead you into paradise..." I wasn't in control of my body that day. I felt like a puppet. But my eyes took in visions of people. People who loved me. People who were saddened by what happened. People who cared. People who I had known my whole life, like my family and best friends. People who I had only met a week prior to this funeral, like my labor and delivery nurse. All these people coming together, to mourn, to celebrate, ultimately to love. When I think back on that time, that is what the underlying feeling is. Love. Sure, it's sad what happened, but when you look deeper into it, there is love. Friends traveling from out of state to support you. My grandpa and step-grandma paying for the entire thing. A policeman praying with you on the way to the emergency room. Friends of the family moving the entire contents of your apartment to a new one so that you don't have to ever step foot into the place where your baby died. There was always a shoulder to cry on. There wasn't much talking, but that's because there was loving. I have never felt the love of Jesus so strong as I did then. I will not get an answer as to why this happened to us, but I accept that it happened, and I am happy that it happened to me.
I want to share two songs with you from that week of Michael's birth and death. The first is "Homesick" by MercyMe. My favorite lyrics say:
"I close my eyes and I see your faceThe other song is a hymn I've sang at church for years. We picked it to sing in Michael's funeral mass. I cry every time we sing it. It is "You are Mine" by David Haas. My favorite lyrics say:
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again"
"I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live
Do not be afraid I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are Mine"
The Gospel reading from Sunday was from Luke Ch. 23. Jesus is hanging on the cross. One criminal is doubting him, and the other says, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." And Jesus says to him, "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." I sat there in the pew thinking about how I was going to handle the week ahead: Tuesday my Michael would have turned twelve years old. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday is the twelfth anniversary of his death. God was basically telling me, "Don't worry. There is a chance to see Michael again. He waits for you in Paradise."
I will leave you with four more thoughts.
#1 There are people hurting everywhere you go. Love them. Love is strong.
#2 Pray. When someone pops into my head out of nowhere, that is my cue to pray for whatever they are needing at that moment. Prayer is powerful. At the low points in my life, I have made it through unharmed and strengthened because of the love of those who care, the love of God, and because of the prayers of others.
#3 Hope. At my low points, I can always find or I am led to even the smallest sliver of hope.
#4 Have faith. We are all faced with mountains to climb, and presented with the lowest, darkest valleys to trudge through. I know God carried me through what I could barely handle. I put my full faith and trust in Jesus, and He has led me through some scary things.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing my story! I pray that God uses me to help others feel His love. May God bless you and yours!
God bless you my sweet friend! Your sharing of these intimate moments and how God works through you in them blesses us all!
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